Log in

No account? Create an account

Tue, Oct. 21st, 2003, 10:47 am
whoaminobody: Numb...

this ache
I have this ache
I have this throbbing discomfort in me
a twist and quizziness in my gut
I feel sick
I can't think
I have this song playing in the background
I quit hearing the lyrics a while ago
It makes sense to me
it makes perfect sense
"Lover I don't have to love" by Bright Eyes

today something happened
something strange and odd
I wanted to hurt myself
I could see in my mind's eyes
a steak knife in my right hand
my exposed left handed wrist there on the table
and I just slide it open
I don't feel it
I don't feel the cold steel against my warm skin
I don't feel it piercing my skin
the ripping
there is not sound or pain
just the watch of blood slowly spilling forth
and all my pain
and all my anguish would disappate

another unusual incidint happened today
I got a hug
a wonderful hug
with warmth and love
with compassion and caring
I felt nothing of it
I felt none directed towards me
and yet it was

I'm numb
I'm losing my feelings
my emotions are just disappearing
[chuckles] Senior-itis....
I don't care
I want to though
I want to feel
I want to feel something different than this constant throbbing
this pulling and ripping
this..this exposure in my chest
this secret that I ignore and forget

"Love's an excuse to get hurt..."

I always seem to be reminded at some point
where I fall
my fall
where I had rise
I descend with a rush
with crashing and smashing


20 Oct 03